By LMK Trustee and Gender Based Violence consultant, Nicole Walsh
They check their phone every few minutes. Not out of habit, but fear. The missed calls stack up, the messages get sharper, the pressure builds. They’re 15, in their first relationship, and already learning that love can mean control.
This is not “teen drama.” This is abuse.
Nearly half (49%) of teenagers aged 13-17 experience abuse in their own intimate relationships. (Youth Endowment Fund (YEF), 2024). It’s physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and digital. Yet too often, it’s minimised, brushed aside as jealousy, passion, or growing pains.
As professionals, we can’t afford to dismiss it. Abuse in young people’s relationships is not practice for adulthood. It is violence, here and now, shaping how young people see themselves, their worth, and their future.
Understanding abuse in young people’s relationships
Domestic violence among young people mirrors the same patterns seen in adults: coercion, intimidation, isolation, control. But it plays out in unique ways.
- Digital abuse: constant monitoring, pressure to share passwords, controlling what’s posted online.
- Sexual coercion: pushing boundaries, using threats or shame to secure compliance.
- Social isolation: cutting them off from friends, sports, or school activities.
- Emotional control: belittling, manipulating, or making them feel responsible for their partner’s moods.
The difference is that young people are still forming their understanding of what relationships should look like. Abuse at this stage doesn’t just cause harm in the moment it sets the template for what they may experience later.
How can relationship abuse impact young people?
Abuse in relationships during adolescence can be devastating. It steals confidence, fractures education, and damages mental health. Young people living through it may:
- Struggle with school performance or attendance.
- Become withdrawn, anxious, or depressed.
- Self-harm or develop suicidal thoughts.
- Normalise controlling or violent behaviour as “love.”
Every missed sign, every dismissal of behaviour as “just hormones,” risks locking young people into cycles of harm that can last for years.
Spotting the signs
Abuse in young people’s relationships rarely looks obvious. It hides in excuses and half-smiles, in stories carefully edited to protect the abuser.
Look for:
- Reluctance to be apart from their partner, even when it affects other parts of their life.
- Heightened anxiety around their phone or social media.
- Sudden changes in clothing, appearance, or personality.
- Defensive justifications: “They’re only jealous because they care,” “They get angry because they love me.”
- Withdrawal from friendships or activities they once loved.
One sign alone may not mean abuse but patterns matter. Young people are always disclosing by what they say, or don’t say. Professionals must pay attention to the small shifts that, together, reveal the bigger picture.
How professionals can respond
Young people often test professionals before they disclose. They might hint, joke, or share fragments of the truth. How we respond determines whether they risk telling us more.
- Listen without judgement. Don’t minimise what they share, even if it sounds “small.”
- Name it. Gently use words like “control” or “pressure” so they can begin to frame their experiences.
- Avoid ultimatums. Telling them to “just leave” rarely works, leaving is complicated and can feel unsafe.
- Validate their feelings. Remind them: this is not their fault, and they deserve respect.
- Signpost to support. Young people’s domestic abuse services, counselling, and peer groups can be life-changing.
Consistency is key. Many young people will retreat after a first disclosure. Stay steady, stay present.
Working together
No single teacher, youth worker, or health professional can solve this alone. Protecting young people means collaboration: schools embedding healthy relationship education, health professionals spotting signs early, youth workers offering safe spaces, and specialist services stepping in with expertise.
When professionals work together, we shift the culture. We stop abuse from being hidden in plain sight.
A call to action
Abuse in young people’s relationships is not inevitable. But it thrives in silence, in our reluctance to name it, or when we downplay or minimise what we see.
As professionals, we have an opportunity to notice, to listen, to act. To move beyond seeing it as “just young love”, and to recognise it for what it is – violence that demands our response.
Every time we believe a young person, name abuse, and offer support, we open the door to safety. Every time we challenge harmful attitudes, we help reshape what love means for a generation.
So let’s start calling it what it is. And let’s act, because young people’s lives depend on it.
Where to get help
- Refuge National Domestic Abuse Helpline (for over 18s): 0808 2000 247
- NSPCC (for under 18’s): 0808 800 5000
- Childline (for under 18s): 0800 1111
- Women’s Aid (for over 18’s): www.womensaid.org.uk
- Women’s Aid “Love Respect” resource (for ages 14-17 and 18-24): https://loverespect.co.uk/about-love-respect/
Our workshops
LMK’s 10 Signs workshops can help people navigate these challenging issues and provide a framework to discuss and engage in a way that’s safe and relevant.
Find out more about our workshops here.
About Nicole
Nicole Walsh is a Gender-Based Violence (GBV) Consultant with over eight years of experience in the Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) sector. Prior to this Nicole worked in the Education sector for five years, providing Pastoral Support to Children and Young People. She began her work in the VAWG Sector as a Young Women’s Independent Sexual Violence Adviser (ISVA), went on to lead the Young Women’s Service, and is now Head of the West London Rape Crisis Centre and London Survivors Gateway at Women and Girls Network. Nicole’s work is grounded in survivor-led, trauma-informed, and intersectional practice, and she is committed to shaping services that empower young people, amplify survivor voices, and drive systemic change.